One Year, I Set Myself on Fire
The New Year’s Day apology
Maybe you got in a screaming fight with your best friend last night. Maybe you drunkenly hit on your girlfriend’s sister. Or you threw up on someone. Or, like me, you got so drunk you threw up all over a bunch of wool blankets and set your shirt on fire in a candle flame (long story, I was fine). What’s that, you don’t remember last night? Better apologize to everyone, just in case.
We’ve all been there. New Year’s Day is possibly the most forgiving day of the year. Almost everyone over the age of 15 has at some point done something embarrassing on New Year’s Eve.
Even if you behaved impeccably last night, there’s probably some action in 2019 you wish you hadn’t taken. Take advantage of last night’s humiliations and apologize for it now. Your apology will almost certainly be better received on January 1 than on any other day of the year. And, as they say, no time like the present.
If I had a dollar for every time I called myself a dumbass, I wouldn’t have to work.
So, how to commence? First of all, don’t apologize if you’re not really sorry. If that relationship was going to end soon anyway, the only thing you can perhaps apologize for is ending it in such a spectacular manner. If you said unkind things you didn’t mean, you can apologize for those, but don’t resurrect a zombie relationship with a full apology.
Along those same lines, don’t be sorry-not-sorry. “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt when I called you a selfish bitch,” “I’m sorry you wish I hadn’t tongue-kissed your sister,” etc. That’s not apologizing, it’s adding insult to injury. Start 2020 by taking ownership of your errors.
But here’s the thing: maybe your bestie really was, at that moment, a selfish bitch. Why should you apologize for calling her out? You don’t. You apologize for how you called her out: in front of all your friends and in the heat of anger. You could have chosen kinder words, too, and when you’re truly being honest with yourself, you could have tried harder to see her side.
If you just screwed up — kissed the sister, threw up on the rug — the best apology is “I’m so sorry.” Maybe grovel a little. You can’t take the kiss back. All you can do is apologize profusely for it (don’t forget to apologize to the sister, too). Definitely get the rug cleaned, or at worst replaced. Maybe send flowers.
For trespasses committed earlier in the year, in addition to “I’m sorry” you might consider explaining why it took you so long to apologize: you’ve been thinking it over; you’re taking stock of 2019; you want to rebuild your relationship; you want to be a better person. Tell the truth (as long as it’s not “I need to borrow your car” or “I need help moving”). If you missed your friend, now’s the time to tell them.
Most importantly, remember you’re doing all of this for yourself. You’re not really apologizing for the person you wronged. You’re apologizing to help yourself feel better, to move past this transgression and, hopefully, to be forgiven by the aggrieved. Really think about what the consequences of your actions could be if you’re not forgiven. Your girlfriend might dump you, your friends will never invite you over again, you’ll be known as Puking Polly for the rest of your life. If you’re not doing it for yourself, it’s probably not worth doing.
When you’re done with your apologies to others, apologize to yourself.
When you’re done with your apologies to others, apologize to yourself. All the awful things you called yourself last year, the self-sabotage and the relentless self-doubt. If I had a dollar for every time I called myself a dumbass, I wouldn’t have to work.
Then forgive yourself. Be sure to forgive yourself for your New Year’s Eve misdemeanors, too.
Start 2020 with humility and kindness, both to others and yourself. Happy New Year.
